just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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