I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
