These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
