Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
