lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
