my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize