Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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