the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
