My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
