dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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