omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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