You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
