WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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