If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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