dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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