I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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