i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
