So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
