I'm so fucking centered right now
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
