I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
