Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
