Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Terrible idea I love it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
