we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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