i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
