What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
