So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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