Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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