I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
