i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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