Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
