After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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