I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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