It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
