Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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