FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Pants are for mortals
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
