i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
