I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
