No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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