Plan B is the new Plan A
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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