just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you traded sex for a burrito?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
