I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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