I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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