my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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