Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
