i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
