got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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