You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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