if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize