would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
