Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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