I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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