I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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