....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
