im drinking this country out of the recession.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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