So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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