I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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