Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Two words: blizzard sex
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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