lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
