I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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