If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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