Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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