it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
