Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
