Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
