So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
