i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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