It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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