I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize