Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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